ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
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No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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