This dress was meant to end up on your floor
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
