im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
