I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
