The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
