Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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