OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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