I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
