I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
