We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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