I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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