Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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