Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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