Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
You're like the curious george of whores
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
