omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Pants are for mortals
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
