It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
