I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
