4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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