i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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