Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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