Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Will exercising make me less horny?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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