pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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