My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
