If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
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just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
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Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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