Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
