shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
