In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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