he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
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Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
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I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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