I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
