I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
