she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
