I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
