I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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