I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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