Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
