Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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