My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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