Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
this beer tastes like vomit already
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
