she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
