he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
