ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
it's like heaven, but drunker
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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