guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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