I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
