Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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