don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
