Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
