sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
