as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
These 27 People Had No Idea What They Were Doing When It Came To Sex
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.