hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I think my vagina is haunted
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.