Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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