neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
