i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Randomize
