so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
