Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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