I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
