my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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