I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
